Sunday, June 9, 2013

Collards And Marital Harmony

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I’ve never cared for cabbage but, a few years ago, my wife lightly sautéed some in real butter and it wasn’t bad. Since then, she’s served it to me scorched in pan-leavings from the meat course with a splash of olive oil and doesn’t understand why I don’t like it so well. On those rare occasions when she fixes it anymore, I just agree with her how great it is and choke it down. The smell alone has always been a turn-off for me. My wife gets angry when I tell her that it smells like it “done been et once.”

Recently, though, I’ve eaten wild greens a couple times, and enjoyed them, but she tells that my greens smell up the house. I can’t always get them when I want them anyway, so I told my wife to pick me up a few cans of spinach when she bought groceries. She came back with a couple cans of spinach and a couple of cans of collards. I’d never eaten collards, but the second I opened the can, I knew that they were in the cabbage family! They had some smoke flavoring added and actually didn’t taste bad. They tasted even better heated with some chopped up sausage in them.

Suddenly, my wife came running from the back room screaming that I’d stunk up the whole house! I told her the collards just smelled like her cooked cabbage, but she said they were far worse. (Actually, I think she’s right, but I won’t tell her that!) There was too much for me for one sitting, so I covered them up and put them in the fridge. I got two more servings from them and, of course, my wife howled both times. I have since promised never to eat collards inside the house again, and told her to donate the other can to the food pantry. I bet she won’t mind my greens quite as much now! © 2013
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10 comments:

Mamahen said...

You and my hubby have the same opinion of cooked cabbage, although he pretty much lumps all green veggies that are not beans in the same class :))

Linda said...

I absolutely love cabbage, and I cook it exactly how your wife did it a few years back for you. I cut it into strips and saute it in a little butter, and add water periodically. It is delicious this way and healthier than boiling it.

Gorges Smythe said...

Funny thing, Mh, I LIKE slaw!

I don't think I could stand it boiled, Linda!

Chickenmom said...

Saute it with real butter and just a wee bit of fresh garlic...

Pumice said...

When she used to cook my wife would occasionally come up with something that the whole family raved about. It became a family joke because she would almost always say, "Enjoy it because you will never get it again."

I will never understand the part of the feminine mystic that thinks cabbage in olive oil will be the same as cabbage in butter.

Grace and peace.

deborah harvey said...

hi. have you tried kale ? stands up to cold temps in the garden.
as with most cabbagey things, it is better with ham or ham hocks.
since you are a fellow hillbilly i expect you have pork somewhere in the house.
p.s.- olive oil is not necessarily better for you than butter. also i read that most olive oil sold in usa is really adulterated with up to more than 70% other veg oil but sold as pure.
deb harvey

Gorges Smythe said...

That sounds good, Cm. EVERYTHING is better with butter and garlic!

I gave up trying to understand them, Pumice; I just try to get along with them!

I've thought about growing kale, Deborah, but I'd probably have to cook it outside! ;-) As for adulterated olive oil, nothing surprises me.

Catawissa Gazetteer said...

Take a mess of salt pork and cook it low and slow, rendering the fat out of it. Take the pork out and add some onions, green pepper and celery into the fat and cook it until the onions clear. You can throw some balsamic vinegar in there and a shot or two of hot sauce for good measure. Once the onions clear throw the collards in the pot along with some garlic, the pork and Worcestershire sauce. Fill the pot to over the top of the greens with chicken or turkey stock. Put the heat on low, cover the pot and let those bad boys simmer until they're done. While your waiting mix up a skillet full of corn bread and chill the beer.

Bets eatin' in the world!

Scooney Adrift said...

You think cabbage is bad, try to get away with boiling chitterlings inside the house!
Stump slung, or stream washed, they just stink!

Gorges Smythe said...

I got hungry just reading that, CG!

I'm sure you're right, SA. I vaguely remember my maternal grandparents making some over a wood fire in the backyard, but I don't remember any details.