Monday, February 11, 2019

A Big-Butted Bubba Gets New Jeans


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Good evening, my name is Gorges and I’m a big-butted bubba. (This is where a few of you are supposed to say, “Hello, Gorges!”) Let me tell you my story. I was born with a big backside; I’ve seen the pictures. It never went away. Even when I was fairly trim, a picture from the side showed a hump like that of a small camel just below my waist on my hinder side. My cousin, who had a clothing store, told me with a laugh that I had a n_gger butt. Back then, you could say such things without being shot at sunrise. As I got older, I got heavier, Sadly, so did my posterior.

As some of you know, no clothing stores want to carry anything over a 46” waist, so it eventually got down to only one place in town where I could buy jeans. Then catastrophe struck. The Chinese managers of the company who made the jeans for the (supposedly) American company, decided to save money by skimping on fabric. So, they cut 8” from the seat and 4” from each thigh. Apparently, they were being made for buttless wonders. I knew better than to buy them.

So, I bought a pair online. They were oversize in the waist, but undersized in the butt and thigh, but I wore them anyway. That was about two years ago. A year ago, I went back to the store to see if the manufacturer had wised up. I took my tape measure along to save trying them on. Apparently, the maker had not missed enough sales to make him reconsider his skinflint nature.

So, I ordered another pair online, but a different kind. They fit pretty well, and after they were washed a couple times, I hemmed them to the old measure, Unfortunately, they’re still cut slightly different and hang differently, so they ended up about 1-1/2” short. Now, I have to wear a pair of pants that look like they belong to someone else. Plus, they have some polyester in them, which is aggravating, since I know that little balls will form on them the more I wear them.

This week one of my “patches on patches” old pair of jeans made it apparent that they were rapidly approaching the unpatchable stage. Thinking that maybe the manufacturer had finally wised up, I checked the store where I used to deal and found that I was in luck. Although I forgot my tape measure, I used the span of my hand to measure and the the cut seemed right (they even added an inch to the original thigh measurement), so I bought them. I tried them on and they’ll work fine.

The only thing is, where they used to be cut a little low in the front, they’re now cut a little low in the back instead, even though the rise in the back measures the same. I haven’t figured it out what’s different, but I know my derriere hasn’t “fallen,” for the old jeans still fit me fine. I guess some middle level, yellow-skinned manager had to change something to make his boss think that he was doing something to earn his salary. Oh well, I reckon folks will just think that I’m a retired plumber.

Anyway, that’s my story and I’m stickin’ to it. (I think this is where some of you are supposed to say “Thank you, Gorges,” or something like that.) Copyright 2019
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5 comments:

Ralph Goff said...

From what I see these days it seems "large people" are in the majority so you'd think there should be plenty of larger sizes to fit them. I'm one of the skinny minority and have no problem finding 34x34 jeans. 42T coveralls are what I keep wearing out and at $50 a set even the cheap ones are expensive to replace.

c w swanson said...

Stock up while you can.

Gorges Smythe said...

That would be logical, Ralph, but that doesn't seem to be the reality. EVERYTHING is expensive these days.

I would if I could, CW, but once a year is about all I can swing.

Mamahen said...

I feel your pain. Being fat all my life, buying clothes has always been a challenge.

Gorges Smythe said...

That, and if you're too thin, too tall or too short, Mh. They only want to carry clothes for "average" people.